Day 009. Breaking the Scroll: 91 Days Off Social Media & Rediscovering Life IRL

A Millennial's Digital Detox Diaries. A New Way of Being.

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I am writing a daily series chronicling my eighth time on an Instagram sabbatical this October. I’ve welcomed this annual ritual since 2016, but this year, I am documenting my daily observations and sharing them with you— my lovely readers. Thank you for being here.

I can’t promise what each day will bring ;)

But I have plenty of thoughts sprouting. Some say I am an over-thinker, but I self-identify as a lover of thinking.

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Stay tuned—for a little while—to see what I’ll create.
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I’ve been reflective lately—surprise, surprise, considering all this time and magical headspace I’ve somehow, suddenly gained.

In the absence of Instagram I am free from the noise on what to be, what to do, and how to be.

Without Instagram, I suddenly don’t really know (or care as much) of what everyone else is up to—unless I ask, that’s when I know I care.

Neither am I really bothered about who’s spending time with who—unless it comes up in conversation or if I care enough to ask.

I am spending more time looking inwards and reconnecting with myself.

I no longer have much urge to be anything but myself, exactly where I am, doing the exact things that I am choosing to do.

I am infinitely curious about this ability to exist as my most authentic self. I am equally searching for who I—actually— am in this world.

As a self-diagnosed, recovering people pleaser—once of a high degree— I am still learning what it means to be myself; exactly as myself.

Without seeking approval, without yearning for validation, or wanting to belong; and especially without playing by the rules of what others expect of me or want from me.

I am learning, what it means just to be.

After decades of people pleasing and always trying to fit in—I am tired.

All I want to be is myself, for myself.

Instagram is a place for performance.

I wanted the likes and the followers.
I wanted the comments and the admiration.
I wanted the affection and the attention.
I wanted the love and the validation.

Why?

When I can gain all of this—and more—much more meaningfully from the people in my life in real life too.

Friday. 2024 10 11.

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The second part is to allow myself to be myself.

Easier said than done. Key word being ‘allow.’

I spent decades not letting myself be myself. I wonder why?

It feels strange to admit.

As to let myself be myself, is to be exactly me without trying to be anything else or worrying about what others might think of me.

That’s been hard for me.

Without shame, without guilt, without a need to impress or woo anyone else.

I want to just be, be me— and nothing else.

That’s true freedom in one’s self.

I think it’s because, all I wanted was for everyone to like me. Classic.

I thought the goal to any social interaction was only that: to be liked.

Yet, in in-person human relationships, validations are much richer, with love, trust, affection, and lasting bonds to be forged.

It’s never as simple as a follow (or an unfollow).

It’s more than the likes, comments and mere acknowledgements—it’s more about love, support, and a lifetime of proactive, reciprocal connections when relationships are in person.

In my early thirties, I am still figuring out who I am.

Because I spent a lot of my life fixated on trying to be more ‘normal’. But, what is normal anyways?

Who is normal?
What is normal?
Can you show me what normal is?
Can you show me who is normal?

Our brains loves predictability.

Absent of definitions our brain wants to be sure of its identity.
Without labels our brains has no boundaries.
But as uncertainty breeds instability,
such undefinable natures will leave possibilities.

The brain is a comfort seeking predictability machine—it’s why it has convinced us that ‘normal’ is the thing to strife for.

But, what the hell does being normal even mean?
By what metric are we measuring?
By whose standards are we following?

Who is the grand model for normalcy?

The reason I’ve been so frustrated with Instagram— I realise— is because Instagram is the ultimate breeding ground for me to feel not so normal.

Normal people have a lot of dinner parties with fun friends, every night.
Normal people are spending a lot of quality time with their gym buddies everyday.
Normal people are traveling the world in matching monochrome outfits.

Normal people do their makeup in front of a camera.
Normal people run a marathon with their phones at their face.
Normal people take selfies as the sun sets by a beautiful cliff.

Normal people…

Normal people share their lives with the world.
Normal people communicate with millions of strangers they’ve never met before.
Normal people get dressed, eat, and live their lives on camera, too.

Normal people eat with their families at seven every evening.
Normal people go to the office on Tuesdays and Wednesdays only.
Normal people take a shower before and after bed.

Normal people…

But, what is normal?

There’s no such thing as normal.

Normal is an illusion. It’s an illusion of the mind

This is also all dependant on where your benchmark of what normal is starts.

There’s a whole entire world that sits before and beyond that arbitrary point on an invisible infinite spectrum of what normal can be.

The validation from strangers and acquaintances alike.
The approval from followers and fellow users as well;

—family, friends, and distant relatives you never see or speak to as well.

The fabrication of belonging;
the fixation of being something,
the fiction of being.

If I have to try, to be myself, then I am already something else.
If I want to be myself, then all I need to do is allow myself to just be.

All I have to do is to learn on how to just be.

That’s an entirely new way of being.

Without an audience, without instant validations, without the followers, without the likes, comments, encouragement, engagement, approvals, applauses, or recognition.

To exist in the spaces in between.

Is an entirely new way of being.

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Catch up on past editions…

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Thank you for spending some of your day with me.